I spent a semester in Athens my junior year of college. The first day we arrived, we were all taken to the Acropolis. As we ascended, near the top, I was surprised to find sections of columns (columns were not made out of one long piece, but by stacking 3-4’ “drums” on top of each other), many with significant black marks from burning, strewn around the perimeter. My reaction, about which I believe I was outspoken, was that it seemed very sloppy and I thought they should have cleaned it up. It was only once I began taking classes there that I learned that the blackened column sections were remnants of the destruction of the temple by the Persians in 480, and were purposely left in place by the Greeks as a reminder of the cost of not being prepared. Then I understood that the column sections, far from being debris that should have been cleaned up, were grave cultural reminders of devastating loss. Of course, they always were that, but I just didn’t know enough to appreciate it. I learned two lessons from this experience: I often need context to understand things, and I usually don’t know enough to judge others and shouldn’t do it.
Refraining from judging is such common advice that it almost
seems unnecessary to include in this book—except that it is so hard to
practice. I expect that each of us can name many times that we thought we
understood a situation and drew conclusions about the motives of those
involved, only to find out details later that completely changed our
understanding and conclusions. Despite knowing better, I probably do it
multiple times a day. We all need to give each other grace, kindness, and the
benefit of the doubt.
Whenever I catch myself judging others, I try to picture the
two of us on separate cars of two separate, but intertwined roller coasters.
Each of us is on a journey that has ups and downs and neither of us knows where
either of us will end up. At any point I might look across and see them above
me, below me, going up, or going down, and might tend to judge myself better or
worse than them based on what I see. But our relative positions at any point
are not good predictors of where either of us will be a minute later—much less
where we will end up. The truth is that both of us are going through ups and
downs and the best reaction is to encourage each other and wish each other
well.
Throughout history there have been lots of famous people
(St. Augustine, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, and J.K. Rowling, to name a
few), and countless more unnamed people, who appeared to be failing, only to
rebound incredibly—and others who seemed to be model citizens, only to fall
from grace. It seems like we have countless recent examples of the latter,
which can be demoralizing to a culture. But remember that we rarely know all of
the details and sometimes the fall from grace is not the end of the story—Jesus
experienced an incredible fall between Palm Sunday and Good Friday, only, it is
believed by Christians, to experience the ultimate rebound for Easter! And the
thief on the cross was saved at the last minute—even with the mortal process
unfolding—and victory was snatched from the jaws of defeat.
In addition to lacking sufficient information to judge
others (and ourselves!) we also lack the perspective. We all have different
gifts and abilities and it can be hard not to expect others to be able to do
things we can (and vice versa.) This is difficult because gifts can be so
varied. Some gifts, like musical, athletic, mathematical, or speaking, are
obvious to all and we readily recognize that people possess them to different
degrees and base our expectations accordingly. But other gifts, like time
management, organization, listening, and even energy levels, may be less
obvious and it may be hard to perceive that they too are not distributed evenly
among people. I’ve often reminded co-workers (and myself) that everyone can’t
do everything they can do and that someone else might struggle with something
they found easy. We all need to work to identify and optimize the use of our
strengths—and help others do the same—but be patient with ourselves and others
regarding our weaknesses, and not immediately judge that they indicate
obstinance, sloppiness, laziness, or some other negative attribute.
Try always to assume positive intent—most people are trying
to doing something constructive, even if not how we would do it, and most
mistakes are accidental and not malicious. Try always to give the benefit of
the doubt. Too often we assume bad intentions were behind an action, which
causes additional ill-will and conflict.
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